My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i dont even know how to be here
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
