last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
