I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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