I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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