you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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