Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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