I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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