Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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