if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
