I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Randomize
