WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The beer is more important than you right now.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
