omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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