she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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