Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize