dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
