If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize