it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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