Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
