I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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