Don't make out with my wife yet
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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