Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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