dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
