i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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