If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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