I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
