Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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