Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
