Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
