I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
