I'm jealous of your bromance
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
