Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
