If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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