Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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