The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize