So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
