God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
