He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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