I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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