I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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