When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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