I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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