you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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