my mouth tastes like poor choices
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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