1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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