Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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