I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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