If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
