Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
