i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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