she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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