i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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