Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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