you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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