Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
