You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think I just sharted jello shots
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
