He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
