Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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