i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
