I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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