If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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